I don't want to say this aloud

I can't express myself today,
cant say anything out loud,
a lack of words to describe this feeling.

Lost.

I dont want anything.
Actually... I want everything.

I want time
I want knowledge
I want music
I want the world

What can I do?
What can I actually achieve ?
How much is reality? How much is a dream?

How can one be fulfilled
when their happiness is empty
too big it must be
the smell of it disgusts me
because how? when? and what should I do to achieve it?

It's difficult. It is. I tried working at it.
I should just keep doing something,
Doing something is better than sitting on the arse and pondering, dreaming..
it won't come like that.

Just saddens me.
Why today, out of all days, does this feeling have to seep through?
It's hidden on a regular basis.. hidden by a thin layer of crust.
But under this crust is something hot, something alive, and in motion ..that is ready to explode.
Ready to surpass everything in its way.
Destruction or Desire?

What is it?
I can't figure it out.
Something is inside of me but it can't come out.
Something is blocking it.. and I dont know what that is..
What wants to shine through.. and why isn't it coming?

What is it that I want?

The worst feeling, this feeling, not knowing
.. it sits there.. for me to figure it out.
But how?
It's so tormenting. So frustrating.
Just seep through dammit.. make this easy.