Uninspired

She sits by the foot of her bed and steals this moment for herself
She thinks about the things she often chooses to ignore and has felt impartial to

Is this an addiction? Is it even a feeling or is it a need?
What has it turned into? and what is it that we need to do now?

Lost and uninspired.. Maybe.. too many questions left unanswered and left unexplained
This puzzle which is her current state is troubling, is losing her... she just needs time

When do you truly know?

You never truly know something until you've experienced it; you never truly feel the depth of an emotion unless it has affected you directly. You can imagine and you can try to understand what it is like but that doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because it won't come close to that raw feeling, that real experience, that shock and that anxiety of having to wait for time to heal the pain and bring things back to the way they were before.

Every so often I discover a truth, something that I know and have read about but never stopped to look at in perspective. I try to imagine such circumstances. I try to picture my life, as comfortable as it is now, come to a halt because of some occurrence that is larger than I am. Something governed by a greater power, whether it be a natural disaster or a political regime such as communism, fascism. Toronto had a small glimpse of chaos this summer during the G20 protests but that was like a small rain storm compared to frevelent storms occurring in different parts of the world on a daily basis. How ignorant are we to these things? How ignorant are we to the past, our personal histories and the lives of our ancestors who "fought for our freedom". We here that so often.. freedom. But is it?

Stories of my great grandparents re-surface here and then but it is my curious nature to dig deeper and find the truth. The textbooks don't always reflect the stories of all the people.. and our grandfolks are the ones with the real encounters. So history.. it is not just a boring subject. It is a reflection of who we are.. and only when it directly affects or defines us is when we start to appreciate its worth.

I guess my main point in terms of history is that although we can't live our lives rethinking or living by the past, we can not ignore it nor forget about it completely either.

..

I am alive and I am loving it...

But when I die will I hate it?


*insert cheap laugh here

Reflect to Collect

Like a pellet in the wind, she got swarmed up by this new way of life
Many a thing has changed, many a people have intertwined with her existence

Many thoughts stirred in her mind and many emotions stirred through her thoughts
New ideas have sparked a new potential within her and a feeling of rebirth entailed

Though more complex her world grows, she remains tied to the ground
Feelings of nostalgia have started to build within, for peace

She wishes to close her eyes and let her fingers replace her mind with the keyboard of a piano
But that time has not yet come in her life
She is not ready
She knows the path to feel a greater peace lies first in overcoming the chaos that surrounds her

Within a moment of looking at the instrument her heart breaks, her smile weakens and she is saddened
However, she waits, hides the feeling within her soul and occupies her mind to forget that such a thing ever existed

...

In the long run the pessimist my be proven right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.

-Daniel Reardon

All too familiar

She sits in her car.

She purposefully parked behind the trees in a spot all too familiar to her.
She used to come here endlessly, almost every week when she worked just across the street.. but today, she's at a crossroad.
She observes ppl walking to and from the buildings, as she sits there quietly reflecting on current situations in her life.
She watches elderly couples, all familiar faces, pass her by.
Not much has changed since she's been away.
The same old man walks his dog. Much as he has every morning, he sits at the same spot, a ledge, infront of the old church.

Long behold the church!

She stares at its gothic exterior and colourful windows. Should she go in and listen to words and voices that she's all too familiar with? Will this really help her cope with her thoughts?
Guilt spreads across her and her troubles begin to aimlessly spin in her head.

Who is this person?

She gets out of the car. As much as she'd like to drive away, she's been sitting in there for far too long. Crossing the street, she joins the old man and his dog, all three of them listening to faint prayers being sung inside while observing the world passing by.

Strangers.

Sometime in the future, they won't be sitting there anymore.
Sometime in the future, the elderly couples she saw earlier will change and the familiar faces she recognizes now will disappear.
The buildings will stay, though, attached to them memories that will grow old and might fade away.
But maybe they will come back, very faint, as she drives by twenty years from now.
And maybe in that time there will be someone else sitting infront of that same church, observing these same old buildings, having the same thoughts filling them, that fill her head today.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Did I ever really know?

A breeze,

carries with it the strength and serenity of my memories,

releasing any presence of despair.

How long before this feeling fades?

How long before reality hits again?

Prolonging these moments,

the power is hard to possess.

Time will absorb what it wants

and won't give back what you're longing for.

Give me a chance to relive again.

Give me some peace with my own.

Go back, flash back, to that place

but this time...

I will open my eyes to the knowledge,

to the past of whats certainly there.

To the feeling of being emotionless-

I don't seem to mind, and you don't seem to care.
So meet me somewhere in the middle,

in the darkness where time won't catch up.

To the security of being lost in a distant place,

where morality and logic are mixed up.

This once, time won't be wasted
and I will never think to look back.
As what is thought will be said and done
and what is missed, time will lose track.

This gets me Thinking

So I had a friend read my short story about the car (titled Ghost Rider) and he too told me he interpreted it as very "hidden sexual" :S But what I meant to write was about my adventure and escape from the hectic city in my car ...

I think this kind of lowers the quality of my thoughts haha. I know I feel passionate about two things: cars and nature (how contradicting) so maybe this hidden sexual crap is of a subconscious nature.

Aneways, here's smtn hot I did today:

Halton Region Conservation Authority, ON

Hello May

Hello May

I feel sexy but insecure around you here

Yes, May, you intoxicate me with your being

Your smile lights up my days
The green grass, flowers and beauty you spring amazes me

My mind thinks forward and plans ahead to include you

But thoughts and actions, they sometimes never coincide

*Sigh

..not ready to regret

If I could hold on I would
Not everything I do, I should
A hold on my heart a break in my soul
You’ve got to reason
With yourself with somebodyyy

This loneliness you felt so long
Upon you now never this strong
A quenching thirst alive desire
Aloud passion, screaming fire
Feel that within yourself, with somebody

Chorus:
Never ending story
Never ending promises
A hold on my memory
Thought itd tear my soul to shreds

Never ending losses
Never stopping causes
The world ain’t over quite yet
I'm not ready to regret

No Time of Worry

Worry rises in you like a rock carved into stone
She said she'd go to see you
But you're there, left all alone

Time is never ending
Your mind is full of doubt
That other one sits beside you
Her eyes follow you as you walk out

...and on and on your fall awaits
either plunge or risk heartbreak
how would you do it

You can't compare what isn't yours
You can't despair over stupid chores
Too fast time flies to really care
What you do, is the foundation to whats already there

Unknown

Sometimes, it is good to be "alone"
but that doesn't make us lonely..

It is not a matter of being present with someone,
it is a matter of being present to someone.

He Said, She Said

Better left unspoken
But the heart quenches for the truth

My heart, the windows you provided me with are now broken
I thought I found smtn, serenity, youth

My dear friend I'm torn by your shatter n losses
I'm torn and deeply feel for you
I will be here and provide a lending hand
I understand, I was once there, I will be true

Anything I say can't ammend for what it is you feel

The Black Stalion

His hooves pound the beat, your heart sings the song

-Jerry Shulman

Anthems Intertwined

Heroes of the sea, noble people,

Brave and immortal nation, Arise today once more

The splendor of Portugal! Amidst the mists of memory,

Oh Fatherland, hear the voice Of your noble forefathers,

That shall lead you to victory!

Poland has not died yet, So long as we still live

That which alien force has seized, We at sabrepoint shall retrieve
March, march, Dabrowski, To Poland from Italy
Under thy command, Let us now rejoin the nation

Like Czarniecki to Poznan, Returned across the sea

To free our fatherland from chains, Fighting with the Swede

To arms, to arms! Over the land, over the sea,

To arms, to arms!To fight for our Fatherland!

Against the cannons, march, march!

Cross the Vistula and Warta, And Poles we shall be

We've been shown by Bonaparte, Ways to victory

Germans, Muscovites will not rest when, backsword in hand

"Concord" will be our watchword, And ours will be the Fatherland

On Long Distance

"It's so difficult to explain. We trust eachother 150%.. and having that distance (as corny as it sounds) makes us stronger. Every time we talk to one another is like a high.. cuz we don't talk often.. so it just feels really good when we do. And only conversation is what I look forward to.. just knowing he'll always be there feels better than anything else in the world.."

Thirty Four

One day I will be thirty four.

Will I be a wife.. a mother?
Or will my life take an unexpected turn..
Will I have a beautiful home?
Or will I travel endlessly not able to settle down..
Will I be hott, fun, and spontaneous?
Will I still laugh at every little funny moment that everyday will bring?

HA! and will I still chat on msn?

One day I will be thirty four.
What an odd yet thrilling thought.

No End

This is the darkest I get lol! I still don't understand what this is about completely.. just random thoughts in my head that I've been dying to get out in writing:

Your pretty perfect mistake
is all it takes for me
to realize u're a reject
caught far from the truth

All this time u act like theres nothin
nothin to say, nothin to do
so stop tryin to prove by cussin
what do u want me to say to u

Trapped in this circle
No end
and even if you hate her
its stupid not to give in

Sometimes..

Sometimes when you least expect it..
or sometimes when u want smtn' really bad without knowing .. u put urself at risk.

Such is what happens with a bottle of Absinthe and 151.

If you start talking to a dorky-cute looking guy and he tells you.. "I hear that stuff can give you
hallucinations".. then based on his dorky appearance, you better trust every freakin word that comes out of his mouth!

.. And when you feel like you're standing on top of the world..
Chances are you're standing on top of a fine white leather sofa in the VIP section, with ur hands stretched out..
.. And you thought that was your bf standing on the bottom of Mount Everest trying to catch you?
No, it was a very mad security guard, yelling at you to come down!
.. And when you jumped you thought you'd fly?
No, you fell straight on ur face revealing more than any1 wanted to see

Make sure you have great friends that take tons of pictures and make an effort not to erase that lil' glitch in ur mind.. haha!

..

Lisa: I just don't want to regret netn.

Joe: Do you, at this time?

Lisa: No, but let's just say I'm aware of our situation.. and you should be too.

Joe: I'm aware that I'm in love.

Lisa: I know.. and that's so rare to find. What the hell did I do to you?

LOL