When do you truly know?

You never truly know something until you've experienced it; you never truly feel the depth of an emotion unless it has affected you directly. You can imagine and you can try to understand what it is like but that doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because it won't come close to that raw feeling, that real experience, that shock and that anxiety of having to wait for time to heal the pain and bring things back to the way they were before.

Every so often I discover a truth, something that I know and have read about but never stopped to look at in perspective. I try to imagine such circumstances. I try to picture my life, as comfortable as it is now, come to a halt because of some occurrence that is larger than I am. Something governed by a greater power, whether it be a natural disaster or a political regime such as communism, fascism. Toronto had a small glimpse of chaos this summer during the G20 protests but that was like a small rain storm compared to frevelent storms occurring in different parts of the world on a daily basis. How ignorant are we to these things? How ignorant are we to the past, our personal histories and the lives of our ancestors who "fought for our freedom". We here that so often.. freedom. But is it?

Stories of my great grandparents re-surface here and then but it is my curious nature to dig deeper and find the truth. The textbooks don't always reflect the stories of all the people.. and our grandfolks are the ones with the real encounters. So history.. it is not just a boring subject. It is a reflection of who we are.. and only when it directly affects or defines us is when we start to appreciate its worth.

I guess my main point in terms of history is that although we can't live our lives rethinking or living by the past, we can not ignore it nor forget about it completely either.

..

I am alive and I am loving it...

But when I die will I hate it?


*insert cheap laugh here

Reflect to Collect

Like a pellet in the wind, she got swarmed up by this new way of life
Many a thing has changed, many a people have intertwined with her existence

Many thoughts stirred in her mind and many emotions stirred through her thoughts
New ideas have sparked a new potential within her and a feeling of rebirth entailed

Though more complex her world grows, she remains tied to the ground
Feelings of nostalgia have started to build within, for peace

She wishes to close her eyes and let her fingers replace her mind with the keyboard of a piano
But that time has not yet come in her life
She is not ready
She knows the path to feel a greater peace lies first in overcoming the chaos that surrounds her

Within a moment of looking at the instrument her heart breaks, her smile weakens and she is saddened
However, she waits, hides the feeling within her soul and occupies her mind to forget that such a thing ever existed

...

In the long run the pessimist my be proven right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.

-Daniel Reardon

Classic

He says: You're no picnic, all right? You're a spoiled little brat, even, but under that, you're the most amazingly, astounding, wonderful girl, woman, that I've ever known...

She says: Hey, I...

He says: No, let me try and get this out. You're ama- I'm not an idiot, I know how the world works. I've got ten bucks in my pocket, I have no-nothing to offer you and I know that. I understand. But I'm too involved now. You jump, I jump remember? I can't turn away without knowing you'll be all right... That's all I want.

She says: Well, I'm fine... I'll be fine... really.

He says: Really? I don't think so. They've got you trapped. And you're gonna die if you don't break free. Maybe not right away because you're strong but... sooner or later that fire that I love about you... that fire's gonna burn out...

She says: It's not up to you to save me, you know.

He says: You're right... only you can do that.

All too familiar

She sits in her car.

She purposefully parked behind the trees in a spot all too familiar to her.
She used to come here endlessly, almost every week when she worked just across the street.. but today, she's at a crossroad.
She observes ppl walking to and from the buildings, as she sits there quietly reflecting on current situations in her life.
She watches elderly couples, all familiar faces, pass her by.
Not much has changed since she's been away.
The same old man walks his dog. Much as he has every morning, he sits at the same spot, a ledge, infront of the old church.

Long behold the church!

She stares at its gothic exterior and colourful windows. Should she go in and listen to words and voices that she's all too familiar with? Will this really help her cope with her thoughts?
Guilt spreads across her and her troubles begin to aimlessly spin in her head.

Who is this person?

She gets out of the car. As much as she'd like to drive away, she's been sitting in there for far too long. Crossing the street, she joins the old man and his dog, all three of them listening to faint prayers being sung inside while observing the world passing by.

Strangers.

Sometime in the future, they won't be sitting there anymore.
Sometime in the future, the elderly couples she saw earlier will change and the familiar faces she recognizes now will disappear.
The buildings will stay, though, attached to them memories that will grow old and might fade away.
But maybe they will come back, very faint, as she drives by twenty years from now.
And maybe in that time there will be someone else sitting infront of that same church, observing these same old buildings, having the same thoughts filling them, that fill her head today.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

BACK OFF

Did I ever really know?

A breeze,

carries with it the strength and serenity of my memories,

releasing any presence of despair.

How long before this feeling fades?

How long before reality hits again?

Prolonging these moments,

the power is hard to possess.

Time will absorb what it wants

and won't give back what you're longing for.

Give me a chance to relive again.

Give me some peace with my own.

Go back, flash back, to that place

but this time...

I will open my eyes to the knowledge,

to the past of whats certainly there.

To the feeling of being emotionless-

I don't seem to mind, and you don't seem to care.
So meet me somewhere in the middle,

in the darkness where time won't catch up.

To the security of being lost in a distant place,

where morality and logic are mixed up.

This once, time won't be wasted
and I will never think to look back.
As what is thought will be said and done
and what is missed, time will lose track.

Fast Car- Tracy Chapman

You got a fast car

But is it fast enough so we can fly away

We gotta make a decision

We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving, driving in your car

The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk

City lights lay out before us

And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder

And I had a feeling that I belonged

And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car

And we go cruising to entertain ourselves

You still ain't got a job And I work in a market as a checkout girl

I know things will get better You'll find work and I'll get promoted

We'll move out of the shelter Buy a big house and live in the suburbs

Marilyn Monroe

I believe that everything happens for a reason,
people change so that you can learn to let go,
things go wrong so you appreciate them when they're right,
you believe lies so you'll learn to trust noone but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

This gets me Thinking

So I had a friend read my short story about the car (titled Ghost Rider) and he too told me he interpreted it as very "hidden sexual" :S But what I meant to write was about my adventure and escape from the hectic city in my car ...

I think this kind of lowers the quality of my thoughts haha. I know I feel passionate about two things: cars and nature (how contradicting) so maybe this hidden sexual crap is of a subconscious nature.

Aneways, here's smtn hot I did today:

Halton Region Conservation Authority, ON

Hello May

Hello May

I feel sexy but insecure around you here

Yes, May, you intoxicate me with your being

Your smile lights up my days
The green grass, flowers and beauty you spring amazes me

My mind thinks forward and plans ahead to include you

But thoughts and actions, they sometimes never coincide

*Sigh

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

I just read the first of three novels by Stieg Larsson and I am very surprised at the plot, suspense, and how well the author carried the book from start to finish. I must admit that at the beginning the plot was slow moving but it quickly picked up pace. To my surprise the book had multiple climaxes and they were so well entwined in the story that while reading I couldn't resist putting the book down. I finished reading the book at 5am in the morning lol. Overall, 5 stars. It was very smart and again, very well written. It was also my first mystery/murder novel I've read and although the book did arise emotions of fear and anger in me, I was not as agitated by it because the main characters of the book had logical and rational thinking (not as dumbfounded as Bella Swan from Twilight.. barf).

I am currently picking up the second book, The Girl who played with fire. On a side note, I'm also reading a history book (written by Norman Davies).. the history of Poland but in ENGLISH! yes.. english!!! finally, something that I can understand and analyze thoroughly on my own. Don't get me wrong, I am fluent in Polish.. but the way the Polish language carries itself in such subjects is a snore! lol. Plus some words are difficult to interpret :P

Aneways, here is the trailer to the movie of the first of Larsson's books (it is in Swedish with english subtitles). A couple of friends strongly recommended me to watch it but I couldn't give in without reading the book first :)

Heart- Barracuda

Dave Grohl

..not ready to regret

If I could hold on I would
Not everything I do, I should
A hold on my heart a break in my soul
You’ve got to reason
With yourself with somebodyyy

This loneliness you felt so long
Upon you now never this strong
A quenching thirst alive desire
Aloud passion, screaming fire
Feel that within yourself, with somebody

Chorus:
Never ending story
Never ending promises
A hold on my memory
Thought itd tear my soul to shreds

Never ending losses
Never stopping causes
The world ain’t over quite yet
I'm not ready to regret

Everlong- Foo Fighters

No Time of Worry

Worry rises in you like a rock carved into stone
She said she'd go to see you
But you're there, left all alone

Time is never ending
Your mind is full of doubt
That other one sits beside you
Her eyes follow you as you walk out

...and on and on your fall awaits
either plunge or risk heartbreak
how would you do it

You can't compare what isn't yours
You can't despair over stupid chores
Too fast time flies to really care
What you do, is the foundation to whats already there

Unknown

Sometimes, it is good to be "alone"
but that doesn't make us lonely..

It is not a matter of being present with someone,
it is a matter of being present to someone.

My Gold Star for Life

"You're a hard worker, you have an undying optimisim, you bleed confidence and refinement, and you make those around you happier, you deserve the shiny gold star for life!"

-Thank you, you made my day!

Heart Shaped Glasses

Together as One... against all others

Love is a Place

>

I'm so much more than a bytch in a box

patiently reaching
patiently working
patiently waiting

to reach and show my full potential

Sade- Soldier of Love

My new obsession.. soldier of love. I've always loved Sade.. so Excited that she's back!!

Happy Valentine's Day <3



I've lost the use of my heart
But I'm still alive
Still looking for the life
The endless pool on the other side
It's a wild wild west
I'm doing my best

I'm at the borderline of my faith,
I'm at the hinterland of my devotion
In the frontline of this battle of mine
But I'm still alive

I'm a soldier of love.
Every day and night
I'm soldier of love
All the days of my life

I've been torn up inside (oh!)
I've been left behind (oh!)
So I ride
I have the will to survive

In the wild wild west,
Trying my hardest
Doing my best
To stay alive

I am love's soldier!

I wait for the sound
(oooh oohhh)
I know that love will come (that love will come)
Turn it all around

I'm a soldier of love (soldier of love)
Every day and night
I'm a soldier of love
All the days of my life

I am lost
But I don't doubt (oh!)
So I ride
I have the will to survive

In the wild wild west,
Trying my hardest
Doing my best
To stay alive

I am love's soldier!

I wait for the sound

I know that love will come
I know that love will come
Turn it all around

Did you know?

• It is believed that mineral waters help furnish elements for body metabolism. However, there is scientific proof that suggests that majority of these minerals are in an inorganic (dead) form. Although they can enter circulation, they can not b used in physio processes - building of the human cell.


• Mineral water may give "dead" minerals to the body which can not be properly assimiliated.


• The body's needs for minerals is largely met through foods, not drinking water- The American Medical Journal


• The organic minerals in tap water represent only 1% of the total mineral content of the water.
  
• One glass of orange juice contains more beneficial minerals than thirty gallons of of untreated tap water.

He Said, She Said

Better left unspoken
But the heart quenches for the truth

My heart, the windows you provided me with are now broken
I thought I found smtn, serenity, youth

My dear friend I'm torn by your shatter n losses
I'm torn and deeply feel for you
I will be here and provide a lending hand
I understand, I was once there, I will be true

Anything I say can't ammend for what it is you feel

Vampire Weekend

I just have to have some Vammpire Weekend today..

The first week of school is officially done! The Masters application is officially submitted...

Time to get a buzz ha!

Agnieszka Chilinska- Nie Kochana, Unloved

Love this kind of rock.. don't know what to name it..
but this song, created maybe 10yrs ago is very KOL.. and I love Kings of Leon lol.
It has a slow-like intro but it builds as she gets more agitated, more stronger. The singer, Agnieszka Chylinska, was very metal back then but now she's more rocky/pop. I love her either way- one of the many talented Polish singers (she's one of the judges on "Poland's Got Talent" lol).
Powerful words to this music as well.. I'll try my best to translate.

Crying towards empty walls, how embarassing.
I was with someone for some time, it's not important anymore.
Feelin' that around me, noone is capable to love.
Feelin' that it's always gonna be this way.

Moving towards your embrace, but I don't feel anything.
I'm scared to feel something
It hurts, I know.

I am alone, that's my loss.
I'm unloved, that's my loss.

I can't love because, I am weak if I do.
I don't think about myself an I lose myself.
I give everything but I don't have anything.
Again he loves me, another stranger.

I am alone, that's my loss.
I'm unloved, that's my loss.
Maybe you're knocking on my door
But tell me why I can't hear anything.

I'm not gunna lie directly to my face
I'm not gunna tear myself apart.
I'm sorry that I loved you. I know. I know.